~ where cinders lie ~
Ten Games To Know Me
Croak there! I've seen this meme pop around in my circles, and here I am, a month or so late, to give my unsolicited opinion.
My intention with this list is to give a bird-eye view over my experience as a strange toad man that has played games since his tadpole days, and how every work has left different impressions on me. Echoing Saint-Exupéry, the same game has given me different things to chew on depending on when I (re)visited it.
Chrono Trigger & Final Fantasy IV
These two come in a bundle, as I first got 'em in their combo edition for the PS1. I remember thinking I bought 'a modern game', like, say, Final Fantasy 7 (this was the year 2001). Imagine my dismay as Final Fantasy IV's opening sequence. A 16-bit orchestra beating my ears as chonky airships travel a flat world, no 'real 3D' in sight. I was not gonna get another game for that year, so I stuck to it, and I cannot be more glad that I did.
These two games were the first time I took the format seriously. As an added bonus, the contrast between 4 and Trigger made the latter feel a lot more current than it was. FF4's stereotypical plot and characters gave me an insight into tropes, and Trigger's deeper, intertwined storytelling and time-traveling aspect further challenged those concepts of what a fantasy adventure 'ought and ought not to be'. Of the two, Trigger has had a stronger effect on me. Its powerful optimism and hope, the weight of connections and friendship, thinking outside the box and being resourceful and hinting to a bigger, livelier world than depicted on screen still shape how I see games and the real world at large.
Undertale & Deltarune
Toby Fox and his body of work barely require any introduction or explanation. Both Undertale and Deltarune are bold, beautiful experiences about love and hope that don't fear delving into the horror genre. Its lessons about meta-text and the concept of fiction and what a game is and can be are still prescient in our current indie gaming culture. Saying much else about it feels sort of useless at this point. This path has been trodden so much, so often, that the walkway is now a trench that threatens to kiss the center of the Earth.
So I can't add much that hasn't been said before. UT&DR found me in pretty shaky moments of my life, when I really needed a good laugh. Fox made me feel that he was trying to be funny and make me chuckle in a very personal and vulnerable way, and I treasure that. And everyone I met in Toby's worlds will always be my friends.
.hack//GU
This one might feel like a bit of a curve ball, but bear with me. Introduced to me by Sign, the 2002 anime by Bee Train, dot hack was my first foray to the concept of the digital as a viable third space. Tsukasa's plight with depression, isolation and social anxiety spoke to me. Their slowly unfolding identity lured the mind with the Holy Chalice of rebuilding your life and your gender presentation with (almost) full control of who can come in and out and how (and the consequences of that)
A few titles later, and we arrive in GU, a culmination of many of the themes of the franchise. The crossing of paths, of clamming up or breaking down and the pursuit of truth in a world of smoke and mirrors. A bit sluggish at times, it manages to engage you with your quest as you sleuth in-game, exchange e-mails and check the news and BBS for clues. For a title that is trying very hard to make you believe the 'game-within-a-computer-within-a-game'-a risky proposition- it implemented a lot of different systems and concepts that coalesced pretty successfully.
Metal Gear Solid 2
Of Kojima's solid body of work, the one that had the biggest impact on me was MGS 2 by a wide margin. To the chagrin of my friends of that time that only saw a blonde twink slipping on wet plates and making a fool of himself, surrounded by bigger and thicker badasses. A game critically disinterested in making too much sense, it stretches itself to unforeseen proportions, and trusts you to draw your conclusions on its plot and themes. The many subversions and twists of the plot and characters are wonderfully executed, and Raiden is a very lovable protagonist in a very cruel and dry world of cutthroat politics and avant-garde technologies of warfare.
The themes of truth and information, and how the game makes a point about finding your own truth in the world and trying to do good despite an evil that feels invincible and omnipresent, is very well done. It was something I needed when I played it, as I started to seriously question my place in the world and what I really believe in, and what it means to believe in something.
Touhou Project
If there is one game that undeniably kick-started my gender introspection, it was Touhou. A community built around cute girls in cute dresses dodging magic bullets cannot be held hostage by a cabal of white cis dudes, not matter how much they tried (Narrator: And they still try, to this very day).
The indie nature of the project also helped with how I felt about it, I suppose. The games are gorgeous and fun, and the music is downright iconic, with compositions like Voyage 19XX still etched in my mind as one of the prettiest things I ever listened to. People made remixes and arranges that exposed me to the wider world of doujin circles, and the love of their fans for Gensoukyou and its inhabitants. And if one man could do all that alone, then being alone is not being hopelessly powerless, even if Bad Apple says otherwise.
Ragnarok Online
I discovered RO when I was a wee lad playing in cybercafes. I still listen to its OST from time to time. I would not play it ever again, which seems counterintuitive in a list of Games to Know Me. I have many, many fond memories of hanging with friends and strangers in Rune-Midgard, and I don't regret spending my time in it with them, even if those memories sting a little from time to time.
RpgMaker: OFF, Yume Nikki
To cap things off, two of my absolute favorite digital artifacts. Both Mortis & Coldwood's OFF and Kikiyama's Yume Nikki share the distinction of thriving when they make you feel uncomfortable. If your innards twist and turn, then they're working as intended, and they achieve this without resorting to the obvious or banal. Nobody will call for help, but you'll feel worse than if abandoning someone you know to an uncertain fate. All paths forward are obvious, yet you'll feel empty and lost inside. Every time I return to them, it feels like the first time. Nothing can pull the punches or make me feel safe, and that to me is the undeniable mark of a truly effective work of art.
Peace, out. *fart sound, dabs and slowly fades*
